o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
