I think my fart just growled at me.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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