I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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