i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
