I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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