life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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