Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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