Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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