So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
