after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
