I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
