oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
