I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
