I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
