Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Your penis caused this!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
