My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
