the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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