theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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