this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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