dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
