i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
