When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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