Your mouth is God's brothel.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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