...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
