I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
