Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
a search helicopter?!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
