If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
