I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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