Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
