He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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