I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
