More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
