before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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