I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
