My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
