it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
