why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize