You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
