I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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