Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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