it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
