I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
