Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
