I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
