In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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