hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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