I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
