we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
