why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
