You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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