I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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There's always time for handjobs
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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