Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
