Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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