Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
