I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
NoShamevember. You game?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
