we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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