I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
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