my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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