she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
