For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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