I'm so fucking centered right now
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
