no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
