Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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